Why Latin Makes More Sense Than English

Articles. Why do we need articles? They are a fundamental part of the English language, and they are stupid. Who had the brilliant idea to make the sentence “I went to the store and bought a turkey,” have two more words than neccisary? If we changed the rules of grammar, and did away with articles, it really wouldn’t matter that much. Sure it sounds stupid when I say “I went to store and bought turkey,”, but it wouldn’t if everyone spoke that way.

Latin uses far fewer pronouns. If you wanted to say he hits in Latin, you would say pulsat. If you wanted to say I hit, you would say pulsō. If you wanted to say you hit, you would say pulsās. It only takes one word.

Pronunciation. In English, if you haven’t seen a word before, there’s a pretty good chance you will pronounce it wrong. In Latin, assuming you learned the alphabet correctly, you will pronounce it right. Latin is a phonetic language, while English… what kind of a word is phonetic?! WHAT? PHONETIC? How do you pronounce that? Even worse, WHAT KIND OF A WORD IS SHOE? Shoe? Shoe? Really. How does “œ” make the oo sound? Shoo, articles. Shoo, pronouns. Shoo, weird pronunciations.

Signed, Him. The Julius

Why Chester’s Hamburgers Rules

I gasped for air, crawling toward the aroma. If I could only find the source of that delicious scent. It smelled like… bliss. I managed to lurch through the door, and the smell intensified tenfold. “I’ll have a number one combo please,” I gasped. Chester’s hamburgers serves the best hamburgers there could ever be.

The taste of those burgers is like biting into an angel’s lunch. The indescribable joy that floods through your mouth… I fell off my chair the first time I bit into one. I felt like I was flying though. As far as food critics go, I would be a pretty bad one. I hate everything. I don’t even eat pizza. Who doesn’t eat pizza? But those hamburgers, they could cure the blind, heal the sick, bestow hearing in the deaf. They are that good.

Not to mention the size. You could hide another entire meal under one of those burgers(although I don’t know why you would even bother with another meal when you have a Chester’s burger) and have room to spare. It has the diameter of a volleyball, but it tastes way better(obviously). You’ve seen my opinion on the taste, now imagine that, except is just keeps coming. So much deliciousness per bite, combined with tons and tons of bites, crates rapture. Never ending joy and happiness. Chester’s Hamburgers is the key to world peace.

Now I’ll leave you with a thought to ponder: are there any burgers better than Chester’s? I’m just kidding. The answer to that is obviously no. The actual question is: What is the meaning of life?

P.S. The meaning of life is Chester’s Hamburgers.

Expository Writing

Why I Like Pep Rallys

Pep rallys. The most wasteful waste of time ever. Glorious. So gloriously wasteful. I love pep rallys.

Pep rallys give you a chance to talk and relax. To talk to your friends. When I talk to my friends, I relax from the humdrum that is school. We pay no heed to the ongoing events; we just blab away. We can barely hear each other, but we can hear. That’s enough for me.

But that isn’t the only reason I like pep rallys. It’s not even the main reason.

You get to skip class! It wastes so much time! It’s great! It lets you get a break—a break. A break from the monotonous, dull, flat, empty wasteland that is the desert that nerds go to die in. Cardboard is more entertaining. It oozes with boredom. A peer of mine, Grant A, put it well. “As a teenager, it is my duty to hate school.” Wether it is duty or not, I hate school anyway. Remember, Cardboard. Desert. Nerds.

Sure, pep rallys have their drawbacks—such as ruptured eardrums due to the noise—but they’re worth it.

Pep rallys are a wonderful waste of time.

Sure, it’s bad, but it could be worse.

Choose the lesser of two evils.

Dog Antics

I have two of the most ridiculous dogs ever to walk the earth. This is said with love, of course, but they are two of the most goofy, clumsy, bouncy, slobbery dogs ever. Period.

They love to go outside, rain or shine, and do several laps around the yard at full throttle. You can just walk outside, and a streak of color whizzes past you. Wait a couple of seconds, and there it goes again!

Of course, when they’re all done, they go roll around in any mud they can find, so the house get nice and dirty when they come back inside.

Occasionally, we chase each other around the house, and we have a wood floor that they simply cannot get any traction on. I’ll be standing there, and a dog will come barreling toward me. I step to the right. The dog skids right past me, limbs flying everywhere, trying to change direction.

At the end of every day, they are so exhausted that they pass out. They get plenty of rest so that we can do it all again tomorrow!